Looking for Someone

Ever since I cut contact with the woman I resonated the most with I’ve had an itch to get the depth and engagement we had on each conversation. It’s one of the things that I makes me believe most people simply haven’t loved anyone, because it is the most rewarding thing ever, to interact with someone you deeply respect. It’s not even about sex or any of that, it’s about the thrill of feeling validated by someone you like.

I’m all about that, I’ve grown addicted to it- now that it’s gone I crave it. No matter how much demonising I pull off, how everything was fake, how she wasn’t who she was I still miss the feeling of oneness that it makes me hyperaware of all the muscles of my upper body to this very day, and it’s been a year. There’s been things here and there which have demonstrated me that I am quite picky. I certainly have a “type” and it is definitively not all about looks.

Yesterday as I was coming back home I made eye contact with a girl. She had pretty colourful eyes, pale skin, and I liked her outfit very much, she had a long vintage skirt and a big scarf. She seemed warm too - in both senses. From that first glance I think she was my type. My face is usually mean - I’ve been described as intimidating a few times. That’s because they don’t know me. As always, I kept walking and I noticed she stopped as she passed by me and was facing my back, standing, as if waiting for me to turn back. I went cold, never would I have expected that it would go beyond a gaze. Maybe she wants to ask me why I’m looking at her like that? As if I had offended her, or maybe she thought I was someone - a friend? or maybe she was my ideal and I kept on walking like a coward.

Oh well.

I find it interesting how such small gestures can shift a man’s mood so wildly. Some other day I was walking towards the gym and I made eye contact with a woman. My face said I was angry or upset - I remember I was judging her fashion sense a bit too hard. She said ‘Good morning’ to me and that shifted my whole mood for the better.

These occassions are so memorable because we want to believe so much those people wanted us so bad they decided to go out their comfort to chase us. But in reality we’re not all that, they are probably being too cordial.